{"id":677,"date":"2016-03-16T15:58:25","date_gmt":"2016-03-16T15:58:25","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blogs.iriss.org.uk\/homelessness\/?page_id=677"},"modified":"2019-03-11T10:45:22","modified_gmt":"2019-03-11T10:45:22","slug":"roberts-story","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/blogs.iriss.org.uk\/homelessness\/evidence\/lived-experience\/roberts-story\/","title":{"rendered":"Robert"},"content":{"rendered":"

I don\u2019t so much ‘work’ in a service, I have benefited from services, having been homeless myself and the commonality with many homeless people of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and alcoholism. I\u2019m part of an informal PTSD group that I started up with a couple of people, one from Aberdeen, one from Peterhead that I met at Hollybush House<\/a> on a course on helping us to live with our condition. \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

PTSD and homelessness<\/h3>\n

PTSD is one of these things that if it\u2019s caught in the very early stages it\u2019s treatable. If it\u2019s not then all you can do is learn how to live with it and a great part of the early onset PTSD is denial.\u00a0 But what we do is we work with people, it\u2019s all unofficial referral, you know, this is just street stuff. People that we know are homeless ex-army and we approach them and see if PTSD is a factor and that can take some time. \u00a0You can\u2019t just walk up to someone and you say, ‘Do you suffer from PTSD?’\u00a0 All you are liable to get is a broken nose, you know? \u00a0So it can take some time to build up that trust and eventually you get to a point where you can share your own experience, and if they pick up on that then great, if they don\u2019t then maybe that\u2019s not an issue for them. \u00a0We step back at that point because the three of us are more concerned with helping PTSD, putting them in touch with Hollybush House and that sort of thing, and if they are willing to, with maybe a 12-step programme and through people like Diane <\/span>(from Cair Scotland<\/a>)<\/span><\/p>\n

It is absolutely pointless, we\u2019ve found, attempting to help somebody that doesn\u2019t actually want the help. \u00a0That can be actually counterproductive.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Groups<\/h3>\n

I\u2019m involved as a member of several groups, although I kind of perform roles within them. I mean upstairs in the HURT<\/a> cookery group, Des does the main course, Stuart does the starters or the soups, I do the puddings and the baking and that sort of thing, but I have stepped back from having an official capacity. \u00a0I\u2019ve found that I\u2019ve got too much on my plate to make too much stuff official if you see what I mean? \u00a0And it\u2019s the same with the community group which the ADP<\/a> is a funder of and supports gently. It\u2019s community led in Insch, the Inspiring Insch<\/a>, I\u2019m there every week and I\u2019ll perform a function every week but I\u2019ve got no official capacity and that\u2019s the way I kind of prefer it now. It works well for me. <\/span><\/p>\n

\"Illustration
Illustration of Stuart and Robert’s story<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Knowing<\/h3>\n

We spent so much time bullshitting people in the past that when new people come into the group and they start bullshitting we can call them on it, you know? \u00a0We can see it coming before they even know what they are going to say themselves. \u00a0Sometimes you call them on it, sometimes you don\u2019t.\u00a0 If it\u2019s the wrong time to call them on it, if they are not ready for that ego deflation, then you just let it go. \u00a0Knowing, being able to remember where our heads were and how we worked in addiction and in early recovery and it\u2019s fully worse than when you were in addiction, trust me. <\/span><\/p>\n

In early recovery you take your coping mechanism away, the one that has caused you not to be able to cope, but it has been your coping mechanism, you have nothing to replace it with.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Apologies<\/h3>\n

In most 12-step programmes a large amount of time is given over to making amends, but in most of our set programmes it\u2019s recognising that the first amends that have to be made are to yourself. How can other people forgive you when you haven\u2019t forgiven yourself yet? \u00a0It\u2019s a very important thing to work with people on being able to forgive themselves and it\u2019s not making excuses for them, that doesn\u2019t work, that\u2019s not making amends.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s accepting what you did and apologising to yourself for it, it\u2019s a whole different ball game than making excuses.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Pass it on<\/h3>\n

I can only pass on what was freely passed on to me, I can\u2019t add anything to it other than, this worked for me as it did for many thousands before me because it\u2019s unchanged. I can only pass on freely what was given to me freely. \u00a0No more, no less. <\/span><\/p>\n

It worked for me and it\u2019s frustrating when I first tried to apply it to others, well no apply it to others, give it to others, it didn\u2019t work. \u00a0Then when I went back to the person that helped me and said ‘it didn\u2019t work’, he said, ‘I find it doesn\u2019t work for 99 out of 100. That makes you 1%.<\/span><\/p>\n

AA<\/h3>\n

The programme I\u2019m on, which is the AA programme, all 12-step programmes are based on the same, that is the training, doing the 12 steps with another alcoholic and then taking that forward and, you know, doing it with a still suffering alcoholic and so on, and then he goes on to do it with somebody else and that\u2019s how the whole, that\u2019s how AA has grown from a few hundred in the mid-1930s to several, well a lot of millions, now. \u00a0There isn\u2019t a country in the world without AA meetings in it, even North Korea, but they are underground, but they are there. \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Awakening<\/h3>\n

For me it was a gradual awakening that things were changing inside my head, you know? \u00a0Also people that knew me well, my own children for instance, started to include me back in their lives because I was changing to somebody that they wanted back in their lives. \u00a0Whereas I had pushed them away. \u00a0They got in the way of my drinking, which was the only medication I had to deal with my PTSD. That was my excuse. It turned out I was just an alcoholic and the two had to be treated separately.<\/p>\n

It was a gradual awakening to the fact that I now had something to offer.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

But ego deflation is a big part of the AA programme so that\u2019s possibly why it is then a gradual awakening because the ego takes second place.<\/p>\n

Death sentence<\/h3>\n

I believe the AA programme teaches me, I believe that to keep the peace of mind that I\u2019ve got, the sobriety I\u2019ve got, the new way of life I\u2019ve got, I have to give advice away freely. \u00a0It was given to me freely by others. \u00a0The only trade in is that my sobriety is dependent on me helping others. \u00a0If I go back to being the selfish person I was before, and stop helping others, I will pick up a drink again and that\u2019s a death sentence. \u00a0I don\u2019t think I would have another recovery in me.<\/p>\n

Acceptence<\/h3>\n

I\u2019m 64 years old and I have just had the best 7 years of my life. \u00a0Now that would frighten most people to say that, ‘What did you waste the other 57 on?’ Well I know what I wasted it on and I can accept that.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t regret it because all those lines that were drawn over those 57 years have created the picture that I am living in now and I like where I am now.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

So I don\u2019t regret the past, I don\u2019t want to shut the door on it because I can use it to identify, for other people to get identification with both the PTSD and the alcoholism because they are two separate issues and I can help people with both of those. \u00a0Every life form on this plant is tied together in some way, we are all living organisms.<\/p>\n

If we don\u2019t help each other it doesn\u2019t work.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Ego<\/h3>\n

I love the saying, \u2018While I was drinking I judged myself by my intentions while the world was judging me by my actions’. I had to accept that the true me was displayed by my actions, because only by recognising the true me could I change it. The biggest barrier is self-ego, preconceptions. Balancing ego, or not balancing ego, utter dislike of oneself. It\u2019s difficult for normal people to believe but you can be 100% ego driven, so fragile an ego that anybody even perceived to look at me the wrong way that was another fight. \u00a0And yet at the same time have a feeling of total and utter worthlessness.<\/p>\n

Everything in an alcoholic\u2019s life is a contradiction and I\u2019m not saying that so you feel sorry for an alcoholic, that\u2019s the last thing they need. \u00a0Sympathy gets nobody sober, just deeper into the bottle. \u00a0It\u2019s a gradual process and it needs somebody that has already been through that process, I believe, to lead an alcoholic through it and I don\u2019t think anybody, any professional, could actually be trained to a level to do that without having been an alcoholic themselves.<\/p>\n

One day at a time<\/h3>\n

My future lies in going to bed sober tonight. \u00a0Tomorrow isn\u2019t here yet, that\u2019s it, it doesn\u2019t go any further than that, sorry. Prudent planning, yes, for life, make sure I pay my rent at the end of the month. \u00a0Prudent planning but no, where life is taking me, that\u2019s not in my hands. \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

All I can do is go to bed sober tonight. <\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Readiness<\/h3>\n

Some others on the programme have become extremely good friends. I haven\u2019t got that many. I\u2019m only seven years sober myself and I only started to help others two and a half years ago and the first two were a complete disaster. \u00a0Partly my fault, partly they weren\u2019t ready to go to the lengths needed and I would put any percentage share on that responsibility but I learnt a lot, often to say no when someone asks me for help if I felt they weren\u2019t ready.<\/p>\n

Links<\/h3>\n

No one has just severed the relationship, you know, at the point where you sort of let go, you go and help someone else now, I\u2019m always here if you need me but you go and help someone. \u00a0Nobody has actually severed that link, which is nice, other than those early ones that went ‘back out again’, but hopefully they will come back, that\u2019s all we can do, is pray that they will come back.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I don\u2019t so much ‘work’ in a service, I have benefited from services, having been homeless myself and the commonality with many homeless people of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and alcoholism. I\u2019m part of an informal PTSD group that I started up with a couple of people, one from Aberdeen, one from Peterhead that … Continue reading Robert<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":16,"featured_media":761,"parent":740,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_coblocks_attr":"","_coblocks_dimensions":"","_coblocks_responsive_height":"","_coblocks_accordion_ie_support":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.iriss.org.uk\/homelessness\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/677"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.iriss.org.uk\/homelessness\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.iriss.org.uk\/homelessness\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.iriss.org.uk\/homelessness\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/16"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.iriss.org.uk\/homelessness\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=677"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.iriss.org.uk\/homelessness\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/677\/revisions"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.iriss.org.uk\/homelessness\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/740"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.iriss.org.uk\/homelessness\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/761"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.iriss.org.uk\/homelessness\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=677"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}