They are my family and that to me will never change

My name is Jenn and I am going to be talking about why relationships are so important for looked after and accommodated young people, why I felt they had such a strong impact on me and what they were like once I had left care.

There are so many stigmas attached to young people in care and carers often struggle to continue the relationship once the young person has left due to the perception it is “unprofessional.” I often also think it may be difficult for their families to understand the strong relationships as they haven’t met the young person and they have not been a part of their life – as staff cannot disclose any information about the young person. So when it is the young person’s time to leave care and they ask the staff if they can maintain contact there are so many things that they have to take into consideration: what will their family think? How will their children react to another young person having their parent’s attention?  There are so many questions surrounding continued relationships that will be different in each circumstance.

The word ‘love’ is a huge part of a young person’s life and so many people question why love is inappropriate and the most important question… are they allowed to love a young person?

Throughout my time in care I have had very positive and long lasting relationships which have continued once I left care. My last placement before I left had a huge impact on me and shaped who I am today, it wasn’t ‘the unit’ it was home.

Throughout my time in this placement  I built strong trusting relationships and I hoped they would continue once I had left but that was the scary part, for me I was constantly worrying about finally building these relationships and when it was time to leave I wouldn’t have them in my life anymore. It took five residential units and two foster care placements before I found my stable home, where I felt loved and cared for but most importantly safe. I knew when I was going to bed at night that there was staff in the next room and I knew that they would take care of me no matter what situation I was in. I was always worried my dad might turn up at the house and become violent, it worried me every day until my key worker Izzy turned to me and said ‘No matter what happens I will always protect you, I care about you’. What she said will stay with me forever because I knew that she was willing to put herself at risk for me and she never had to, it made me feel safe inside and I knew no matter what I would always be taken care of.

The word love throughout the care system seems to be forbidden, no one speaks of it and I feel this needs to change. Why when I was growing up and being looked after by people who I loved felt that they couldn’t feel the same towards me?  Why in my time of need was I not told that I was loved and more importantly why should the staff feel like they are doing something wrong. It puts both young people and staff in a position where they feel like all they can do is give each other a pat on the back. Although for me in my placement I knew I was loved, no one had to tell me directly but the little simple things made a huge difference. When I locked myself away in my room staff knew knocking on the door wouldn’t be of any use so instead they would text me, telling me that when I feel ready I can come and talk to them or even better we didn’t need to talk about it we could go out a drive where the staff knew I would open up.  When times got bad and where I should have been restrained instead they opened their arms and welcomed me in for a cuddle and every time I accepted it because after all I was fighting for their love because I felt no one else did love me. Laraben was home. It was my family so why couldn’t they tell me they love me?

I once went to a meeting with my local authority where I was told by a senior social worker that staff saying they loved me was highly inappropriate and was giving me false hope because one day I will leave and they will no longer be in my life.

I tried my hardest to break down relationships in my placement after I was told that but staff fought for me, they fought for me to talk to them and stop shutting myself away from them, they told me over and over that they cared for me no matter what anyone else said because it never came from them.

Continued relationships are so important for the young person and the staff as they have been built over a period of time and they have a good level of trust. For me, continued relationships are a massive part of my life as I know whenever I need them they are there for anything in – between a two-minute call or meeting up when we are both free. I was very fortunate that the staff I had built up these relationships with kept in contact with me as the service Why Not?  hadn’t started yet, so now we speak on facebook messenger and I have their numbers as well so I can call them and they can call me too.

They are my family and that to me will never change. I know that what we went through meant something and wasn’t a waste of time. It was life changing.