I wish you knew.
I wish you knew how much I wanted to be able to look after your children.
I wish you knew how guilty I felt dropping you off at nursery this morning
I wish you knew how bad I felt that I could not fulfil my duty.
I wish you knew that I didn’t want to leave that morning.
I wish you knew how much I wanted to be there.
To give you the reassurance you needed.
To take your children to where they needed to be.
To look after them safely. But I couldn’t.
I couldn’t be there in person.
I wish you knew that I don’t make the best decisions all the time.
When I am busy.
When I am tired.
When I am angry.
Sometimes I must sacrifice family life from time to time.
Sometimes I must sacrifice work from time to time.
I wish you knew how work piles up. How covering for sickness and absence puts pressure on me to complete my work. How meeting deadlines, writing reports, responding to emails keeps me from spending time with you.
I wish you knew that I feel lonely too. That I need support too. That I need a drink from time to time too.
I wish you knew how hard it is to share with you the difficulties that I face, day in day out. To keep a professional distance, when all I want to do is tell you, ‘I’m struggling too’.
I wish you knew how helpless, powerless, frustrated, under pressure, angry and undervalued I can feel in a single day.
I wish you knew how often I sneak away to the toilet to cry because the pressure of the work I do takes its toll.
But I need you to know that you’re my number 1.
That I don’t normally feel like this.
That being on the sofa with you at the end of the day is the best part.
I wish you knew.